Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
