I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
