I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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