I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
