Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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