The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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