I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
