I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
God I need to hump something, right now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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