Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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