I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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