She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
