I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
