we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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