just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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