You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
