Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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