mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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