Im at strip club and am horny
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
