My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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