I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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