How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
