Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
