I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
