He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
