so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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