He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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