I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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