What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
