you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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