I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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