I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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