She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
