I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
