i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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