After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
