I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
