We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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