Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
