I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
