He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
