Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize