drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Randomize
