the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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