i already hear my dad disowning me
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
