can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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