It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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