We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
