believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize