dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
