try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
