I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
