ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
