She said her name was "party"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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