We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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