I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
