Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
