i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
