All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
