so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
